Translation of Police Spokesman’s Comments on Massage Parlor Mass Shootings
On March 16, it is alleged that shooting suspect Robert Long entered three separate Asian massage parlors in the Atlanta metro area and shot 9 people, killing 8 of them, six of whom were Asian women.
On March 17, Police Captain Jay Baker participated in a press conference during which he shared potential motivations for the attack based on police interviews with the suspect. Here, we present a translation of those remarks, presented as if he were REALLY saying what he meant. These are not my words, but what I perceive his words would have been if he had been speaking candidly to your typical MAGAt over a cheap beer and some hotwings.
Captain Jay Baker: (06:57)
Yeah. Let me go into a little bit of detail. So the suspect did take responsibility for the shootings. He said that early on once we began the interviews with him. He claims that these, and as the chief said, this is still early, but he does claim that it was not racially motivated. He apparently has an issue, what he considers sex addiction and sees these locations as something that allows him to go to these places, and it’s a temptation for him that he wanted to eliminate. Like I said, it’s still early on, but those were comments that he made.
TRANSLATION: So, yeah, he said he did it because, well, it’s really hard for white Christian dudes to get laid, anymore. I don’t know why, but women just don’t like us. And it’s not like masturbation is an option because, you know, it’s a sin. Plus, you go blind, and it’s not like this guy had a lot going for him in the first place. Maybe playing the blind card might get him some sympathy, but then you risk hooking up with ugly chicks. I mean, at that point, may as well go to Village Inn, get the warm apple pie and do the Jason Biggs thing — which is technically not masturbation because the pie is doing all the work, AND you don’t have to worry about consent, which gets in the way all the damn time.
Captain Jay Baker: (07:57) When I spoke to the investigators, they interviewed him this morning and they got that impression, that, yes, he understood the gravity of it. And he was pretty much fed up and kind of at the end of his rope. And yesterday was a really bad day for him and this is what he did.
TRANSLATION: Well, yeah, that shit builds up. And when you drive to the convenience store to get your lottery tickets, you can’t help but pass two or three of these massage parlors. And who doesn’t love Asian women? I mean, for hook ups, but not to hang out with. Look, all I’m saying is I wouldn’t want anyone checking my browser history — although I couldn’t find the Asian porn for a long time because I was using the search term “Oriental.” Who knew PornHub had gone all PC on us. But the thing for guys like Long is, if you don’t win anything with your scratch-offs, it sucks, because a lot of guys don’t have money for these places because of COVID. So, it’s like dangling a donut in front of a fat guy, but not letting him have it. So, he let loose a bit. After all, we are white men. If we can’t fuck it, we’ll kill it.
Following the press conference, it was uncovered that Captain Baker once tweeted about buying a T-Shirt that referred to COVID-19 as the “Virus Imported From Chy-Na.” Media requests for comment on this Tweet were ignored by Baker, but we have translated the implicit “no comment.”
TRANSLATION: Well, we all know that China created the virus to sink Trump. I mean, the Chinese have been trying to destroy the United States for thousands of years. It’s in the damn Bible! Look it up. They arrest Christians in China, you know.
Yeah, well, so do we, nimrod.
Now, hurry up and resign, already. We have bigger reptiles to fry.